Taking Time Out from Time-Outs!

I‘m quite certain that if you surveyed a large group of educated, modern parents in today’s North American culture about their various discipline methods, “time-outs” would be the one to come up most frequently.

While the topic of discipline and the various techniques parents use to teach their children right from wrong is a vast one and space limitations will not allow us to cover it all, let’s begin by examining a few of the most common reasons parents and teachers give children time outs.

• They don’t want the child to think he can “get away with that behaviour”.
• They want the child to remember how he was punished so as not to repeat that behaviour the next time. It is fast and effective in stopping the behaviour (although many parents have told me throughout my years as a child behaviour consultant that they are completely ineffective).
• They want the child to feel bad and think about what he did.
• They simply don’t know what else to do.

Using time-outs as the main discipline method often result in some or all of these: low self-esteem; feelings of anger, resentment, revenge; and the lack of opportunity to learn many of the skills parents really wish for their children to have. Also, children who repeatedly experience being put in time-out as a result of misbehaviours are in essence being “trained” to respond to external controls; ie. The parent’s threat, the teacher’s punishment, etc., essentially robbing the child of his ability to regulate his own behaviour, regardless of whether someone is looking to “catch” him or not.

Try this instead of traditional time-out:

• If you feel your child is out of control and needs a break, give him just that. Invite your child to take a break by framing it in this way, “I see you’re having a hard time playing without hurting your friends. Would you like to calm down in your room or in the basement until you feel ready to come back and try again?” or “Would you like to take a break by yourself or would you like me to come with you?”
• Make sure the “break” is never forced as in a typical time-out.
• Always make sure at the end of every bad “episode” that your child is made to feel good about himself. Encourage him to try to do better. Given the tools to do so he will always try to do better.
• Focus on what you want your child to learn from the experience, rather than placing the focus on “not letting him get away with it” or making sure he “pays”.
• Stay away from using threats or other means of trying to control your child’s behaviour, such as “I’m going to count to 3, and if you don’t…,” this teaches your child to respond to external factors.

Handling your child’s misbehaviours in this more gentle and positive manner will show him you’re on his side and that you are there to help him navigate life’s struggles. Remembering this will help you to keep your focus where it belongs – on ensuring that your child is always “boosted” and made to feel good about himself.

Lesley-Anne is a child behaviour consultant with her Master’s Degree in Child Studies and 25 years’ experience working with children. She works privately with families to help improve behaviours from the very young right through the teenage years, and is available for speaking engagements. www.childhood-matters.com 514-232-7773.